📷: Erin Camacho
An innocent question…
Do you have kids? The question is innocent enough. No harm is intended. And yet it pokes at a wound that just doesn’t seem to heal. Hopefully that is where the conversation ends, but the thought struggle has just begun.
For Better or Worse
I am not a mother but I think I should be. It’s not an infertility struggle and I haven’t lost a child (thank God), but a marriage struggle. When your spouse says he does not want kids, what do you do? Some say “if it is important enough, just leave.” But what about – for better or worse? Wouldn’t this fall under “worse?” I’m not gonna call it quits because I don’t get my way.
But What About God?
What if it isn’t something God wants for me? Then I’ll be ok with it, right? What about “he will give you the desires of your heart?” Maybe the problem is me!? Do I not want it enough? Don’t even go there – can you just imagine God using some kind of tacky carnival game that lights up to indicate how bad somebody’s wants something… nope sorry, the lights only indicate you want this kinda bad- but it didn’t reach “desire of your heart level” better luck next time! God knows us so well- he knows every hair on our head… he knows me better than I know myself! He collects my tears and he sees my struggles… he KNOWS the desires of my heart.
Am I Immune to Suffering?
But wait, so many other people struggle with this in different ways. So many other people struggle – period. Disease- starvation- abuse- loss… Where in the rules does it say I shouldn’t? That life will hand me everything I want? At what point did I become so privileged that life shouldn’t hurt at times? I’m pretty sure when I entered this world God didn’t proclaim that my life would have no lumps, bumps, dings, or u-turns. Sometimes life sucks. Nobody gets a pass on that.
Choose Joy
So I wait. I trust God that if it is ever the right time, it will happen. I move forward and I choose joy in so many things. I realize how blessed I am. I see the amazing ways God has moved in my life and all he has blessed me with.
And I trust.
And I feel some peace.
And I give my great husband a kiss.
And I cuddle my precious fur babies.
In what ways are you waiting for God? Where do you find joy while you wait? I stand with you in that awkward space.
