Back in 2018 I found myself in a dark place. I had spent the previous years working at Asbury University surrounded by amazing people and friends who loved God but I had moved and those people were no longer around me. God moved me to South Carolina to work with children who showed up at the border between the US and Mexico unaccompanied. It was an organization that needed a bilingual clinician and I fit the bill. God made all the pieces come together over and over, making it clear that this was His plan for us. When I got to South Carolina, I didn’t jump into a new church or seek out new friends, which was a mistake. My marriage was in a dark place and my coworkers were not people I naturally connected with.
Our office was going through a particularly dark season as well, and I didn’t have the support I craved. I realized what I really missed were faith filled friends that shared the foundation with me that Jesus is our all and all. At Asbury it had been easy. I was surrounded with amazing people chasing after God just like I was, so I expected that again when I moved to South Carolina. What I began to recognize, was that I needed to make an effort and seek those people out.
I learned somewhere that we are a combination of the top five people we spend time with, so if we aren’t nuts about the top five people we spend time with then we need to find new people! When I stopped to analyze my own situation I realized the top five people I spent time with were not who I wanted to be like, or who I wanted lifting me up.
I joined a church and started meeting people but you don’t need me to tell you that relationships are hard and vulnerability is scary. In the US, culturally we have a tendency to close ourselves off. We don’t share our deepest sorrows or our biggest celebrations. We keep our cool and handle pressure on our own. This became clear when I moved to Ecuador in 2003 as a missionary. In my experience, in the US if a pastor offers for congregants to come forward for prayer after a service, you may get a handful of people coming forward, but in Ecuador when the pastor offered prayer there were only a handful of people left in seats. In Ecuador the people weren’t afraid to show that they were struggling and needed God’s provision, whereas, in the US we don’t want people to see our weakness. However, allowing others to see those big emotions is what invites them to be a part of our lives. Take note, the people you have cried in front of probably know you better than anyone else, because they’ve been given the chance to relate to you on a level others haven’t experienced.
Connection was the priority. I saw it over and over.. In the evenings we were out in the neighborhood visiting with friends singing, laughing and celebrating together. In the US we tend to go home after work, park in our garage and may not ever even go outside. We may not even know our neighbor’s names. It’s so easy to close ourselves off from others so no one can see what we’re walking through. It takes a decision and an effort to bring others into our lives.
Today I celebrate that I could tell you far more than the top five people I spend time with are amazing and bring me so much joy. God has surrounded me with powerful faith-filled friends that cry with me, laugh with me and lift me up in prayer. I can’t imagine doing life without them. Vulnerability can be a challenge and often feels like a weakness, but it’s actually an act of true bravery to share the most vulnerable parts of yourself. The friendships that come from such acts of bravery are well worth the cost. If you are in that place where the top five people surrounding you aren’t lifting you up and encouraging you to be a better you, then might I suggest you take that into account and take the steps to move closer to people you admire. A church can be a great place to start. Join a life group, do some outreach in the community, find a ministry that touches your heart and be active in it. It won’t happen overnight but I pray that you too find friendships that lift you up and make you feel loved.
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